Honoring Greatness with the Nurtured Heart Approach®
Tammy (Small) Fisher, M.Ed. and Certified Advanced Nurtured Heart Trainer 

 
 
 
This appears in Tammy’s new Book FEARLESS PARENTING (from Chapter 8: How to Coach Other Significant Adults in Your Child’s Life, p.112)
        ... Before we tackle some strategies for coaching the adults in our lives, I want to remind you of the greatness you are.  When I was first trained as an Advanced Trainer in 2007, I was well-versed in NHA.  I had read the book, attended the daylong workshop with Howard Glasser and begun practicing the system of relationship with my own children and students.  What I learned in that powerful week, however, is that in order to use the system – I had to BE the system myself. I had to see and name greatness in myself. I could not begin to be powerfully transformative in the lives of the children I worked with if I did not allow this in myself. This shift came most powerfully during my second day of the training when we sat in smaller groups of parents, therapists and educators and worked on energizing each other, despite being nearly strangers.  Even the most reticent participant was able to see strengths in those around him/her.  Silence could mean wisdom and clarity. Eye-contact indicated compassion, strong listening and patience.  Laughter demonstrated engagement and empathy.  One brave stranger, a wonderful, dedicated adoptive mom, shared that in her whole life she had felt that she had been “too much.”  Her husband had told her that in many ways. Her friends had indicated it repeatedly.  It was a powerful moment for all of us, because when we open to hear someone else’s truth, we own a piece of it ourselves.  Too much?  Yes. We can relate. I could relate. I was too loud. Too opinionated. Too eager. Too verbal. Too direct. Too antsy. Too much.  The conversation flowed to another individual who ironically shared that he had felt so much the opposite, “not enough.”  Oh yes. We could relate, too. I could relate. I was not enough of an organizer. Not enough of a person who could forgive. Not enough of a parent because I liked to be without my kids sometimes. I was not enough of a homeowner or employee because I liked to play more than work.   Not enough.  So, in the company of strangers, we made this powerful connection that this greatness we must name in others and work to become: WE ALREADY ARE! We are not perfection, nor are we seeking this in others.  We are seeking greatness and naming it in ourselves.  We cannot begin to empower others if we do not allow ourselves the same luxury of imperfected greatness acknowledged.  In that transforming hour, I began to own my imperfected greatness. I got it:  I was too much and not enough and just right.  And so are you.  By the sheer nature of you picking up this book and reading these lines, you can no longer deny it.  Now, when I coach my students, I always tell them, “I am not perfect, but I AM great.  Are you perfect?” I ask the student.  “No way,” they smile.  “Are you great?” “Absolutely!” they laugh.  
 
So from this point onward, when you feel the approach failing you, when you go to self-criticism and negative complaining, you must reset yourself to focus on what you are doing right.  Remember Yoda’s famous line from Star Wars, “Do or do not. There is no try.” Forget that. The line misses its mark because in simple act of trying to name greatness, you are becoming that greatness. Done!  Now, armed with this knowledge of your imperfected greatness, you are reminded of another point.  You are powerful, even as just one.  When you hit the wall of disbelief in relation to others around you who flood negativity and are unskilled in naming greatness, you must remember YOU ARE SKILLED. You cannot protect your child from all the other significant adults in his/her world who will choose to criticize, humiliate or bully.  I wish you could.  I wish we could make everyone be nice, right?  Given our reality, we can only control our OWN attitudes and choices.  And this, in itself, is a powerful piece of knowledge...
 (READ MORE FROM THIS CHAPTER WHEN YOU SNAG A COPY OF FEARLESS PARENTING)
 
 
 
Fearless Living Starts with Accepting Your Own Imperfect Greatness:
Excerpt from Fearless Parenting (c.2013)
Friday, April 17, 2015